Wednesday, May 11, 2011


Time for some Wednesday philosophy. I don't know why it seems to hit me on Wednesdays.... maybe because it's mid-week and I need something to keep me going.

So, I was thinking about images. In Romeo and Juliet, he uses a mirror to check for her breath to see if she's living. Seeing no breath of vapor, he assumes she is dead and kills himself. Not that I'm in to Romeo and Juliet, I just think it's interesting that someone once pointed out that Romeo was foolish to rely on a reflected image, since it isn't reality, but just a vision. I like that.

So, is what we see every day in life real because it simply is, or because we believe what it is, or is it all just a reflection of our own experiences and mind set?

I know that how we view ourselves is often very different from how others view us. I've been told that I'm calm to work with (I'll take that as a compliment), I've been told that I'm nothing but a glorified secretary (rather derogatory, considering), I've been told that I always have it together (heh, heh, I have them fooled), and I've been told that I'm too passive (compared to what?).

Hmm. So which do I choose to believe? Which do people expect to be true? Which really IS true? Then there are times that it seems to depend on the day or mood of whoever I'm talking to. Oh, for crying out loud. Don't make it easier or anything, please. I just love confusion (yes! ...that was sarcasm). So I guess the question is how do I view myself? Well, I'm not going to tell you all my secrets, but suffice to say it's generally not the same way that I get feedback for.

I'm a woman who loves her family deeply and religiously. I try to be polite and courteous, but on the other hand I have little tolerance for willful stupidity, prejudice, or condescension. Polite does not equal stupid or unable, gentlemen. I've never thought that I needed to be aggressive to be effective. I don't often feel like I have it all together. I do a lot of paperwork and housework and general Mom-work for my kids.

I take pleasure in reading and crafting stuff and peeking at my childrens' faces when they sleep. I have a secret desire to go away for a week without my kids, if I could stand it that long. I have worries and fears and small triumphs just like anyone else. I've never been very socially adept and I've been accused of OCD and perfectionism (probably where Jakob gets his tendencies; sorry, kiddo!).

I've been called very bad names, and I've been overlooked and forgotten. No, literally. I am apparently quite forgettable. I've had 3 separate occasions at different Dr. offices where they stuck me in a room and forgot me. I had to go find someone to tell them I was still there and they apologized for forgetting me. Just 4 people remembered my birthday. I've been informed (since they think they know better, I guess) of what my opinions are by people who obviously do not know me, and haven't any true respect for me, and feel they have a right to tell me who and what I am.

I am not perfect. I've known that since I was quite young. I am, however, the woman my husband fell in love with (bless him!), and the mother of 4 glorious children. I search for my faith and I believe in a true friendship.

I guess the problem is, I look in the mirror and think I see what's real, but how can I trust that? Like Romeo, I'm putting faith in reflections. Oh, how I would love to turn my back on those images.

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